Hey folks, guess who was naughty today! Yes, indeed. We’re talking about Monday, that stole us sleep and motivation. Not to mention nearly ten hours of office time, where we had to pretend working hard while most parts of our brains behaved like Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. Anyway, we survived. So here is our tweet selection for today.
Just tried on an old pair of pants, and I refuse to accept the results. Widespread fraud.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) November 14, 2020
We don’t need your 7 pm applause. We don’t need your donated pizza. We even don’t need your gratitude.
We need you to wear a mask & keep your distance so you stop killing each other & you literally & figuratively stop killing us. It’s all we ask.
— NurseKelsey (@nursekelsey) November 12, 2020
my fave collective lie that everyone has agreed to is when the box of q-tips says "do not use inside ear canal 😉" and we the consumer are like "we won't 😉😉😉"
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) November 15, 2020
Imagine going down in history as the president who openly considered whether he needed to pardon himself and his kids before leaving office to avoid going to prison.
— Joyce Alene (@JoyceWhiteVance) November 14, 2020
pro tip: my uncle spent three years in a basement, hiding from the Nazis. you can skip Thanksgiving and wear a mask for one winter
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) November 15, 2020
How To Talk Your Trump-Loving Relatives This Thanksgiving:
1) Tell them to stop getting all their news from a bunch of fucking lunatics
2) Leave the Zoom
— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) November 15, 2020
A simple, free, kind, thing we can all do is never ask anyone who declines an alcoholic beverage for an explanation.
— Keith Humphreys (@KeithNHumphreys) November 15, 2020
We’re never getting rid of Trump. Like herpes and the McRib, he’ll just keep coming back.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) November 14, 2020
How am I supposed to concentrate when I do not wish to and there are no immediate rewards
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) November 15, 2020
I’m not seeing my mom on her 80th birthday because I want her to live to see her 81st.
— Bryce Tache (@brycetache) November 16, 2020