Welcome everyone, we’ve reached the half time of this weekend. We hope you enjoyed it so far with music, dance (alone at home of course, because social distancing and DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT’S WEIRD) or by sacrificing a newborn lamb at midnight on the roof of your house. Ultimately we’re all just trying to pass time until the big event in two weeks is finally happening. And of course we’re talking about the return of Baby Yoda on Disney Plus. After that most of us can finally die in peace and leave 2020 behind. But for now there’s still our daily. Have fun!
If I don't emerge from this as a beautiful butterfly, SO HELP ME
— President Warren G Haunting (@PopeAwesomeXIII) October 16, 2020
dating apps should require at least one pic of your bookshelf
— halloweeNate ⛰☕️ 🧙♂️ (@perlhack) October 16, 2020
WIFE: you gotta stop drinking in front of the kids
ME: if I drank behind them who would drive the car
— *sigh*clops’s monster (@aotakeo) October 15, 2020
I love twitter bc I'll just be sitting here with no opinions and by the end of the day I've joined a dolphin cult and I'm ready to fight to the death over some soup
— Wicked Ankles 🕸 (@ankles_so_weak) October 16, 2020
— linc (@lincnotfound) October 16, 2020
Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper
King: what does she look like?
Prince Charming: girl
— tomBSTONE (@pilau) October 15, 2020
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) October 15, 2020
[first day as a homicide detective]
me, on the floor: look im making blood angels
— Laurazewitch (@andlikelaura) October 15, 2020
Wolf wife: welcome home honey, how was your- wait, why are you dressed like an 80-year-old woman?
Wolf: ok you’re not gonna believe this
— Julicorn, spooky af 🦄 (@ChicksRule) October 15, 2020
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil BOO 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020