So it’s Saturday. Again. Sometimes it feels like there’s some kind of circle, where things are happening over and over…nah, probably just our imagination. Anyway, traditionally Saturday is the time for some kind of family bonding ritual. And that’s nice. It doesn’t matter if you’re having dinner with your kids, while the one annoying teenager is constantly arguing about vegan butter. Visiting grandma in her little hut in the forest. Or summoning the Dark Lord together while the robotic vacuum cleaner always drives over your handwritten pentagram. It’s all about tradition. Speaking of, here’s another one: Our daily. Have fun!
me: oh shit i hear sirens we better pull over
odysseus: fuck wait don’t—
— wow, spooky shark (@bigsharkguy) October 24, 2020
the worst pyramid scheme i've ever been a part of is having kids. i'm one person, i made two people. but so far i've made no money and both of my new co-workers live in my house?? where is hr
— the monster nash™ (@itsnashflynn) October 23, 2020
When you’re an ancient forest witch but you have kids pic.twitter.com/kkHk4CsgKs
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) October 23, 2020
huntsman: i cut your grandma out of the wolf
red riding hood: thanks! and she’s still alive?
red riding hood:
huntsman: how do you think wolves work?
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 24, 2020
me: what would u like for Xmas
giraffe: a hand knitted scarf
me: c’mon dude
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 23, 2020
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
— Just J (@junejuly12) October 23, 2020
Me: Yay! A quick and easy pesto recipe from Jessica on Pinterest. *scrolls down*
Jessica: 38 years ago I was born into a cult; my father was also my sister's uncle. Let me just begin this recipe by saying we grew our own lemon basil on the crisp banks of Morocco…
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 21, 2020
it’s always “when is the McRib coming back” and never “how are you doing person who runs the McDonald’s account”
— McDonald's (@McDonalds) October 23, 2020
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn't even want to see the old one
— ꧁.and he joked again.💥 (@AndyJokedAgain) October 22, 2020
8 year old me: *coughs once*
Grandma: *sprints halfway across the house and shoves vapor rub in my face* STAY WITH ME DAMN IT, I WILL NOT LOSE ANOTHER ONE OF YOU
— Rob's Actually Spooky 🎃 👻 (@RobbyActually) October 23, 2020