So, seven days until the United States presidential election takes place. Is everyone prepared? Flamethrower and survival kit, a wide selection of booze and of course silver bullets. You never know if and when Trump removes his human skin mask live on TV. But whatever happens, please know that it was a pleasure to present you the best tweets everday and if they’re monitoring us, we would be thrilled to continue this work for our new evil overlords. It doesn’t matter if it’s Satan himself disguised as Trump or lizard people from outer space, «Best of Twitter» always stands for diversity.
Stay spooky and enjoy our daily!
I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.
— MƖƧƬƳ (@skedaddle74) October 25, 2020
me: i want to return this invisibility potion
blind witch: what why
— spuki (@desukidesu) October 25, 2020
you're not allowed to manipulate me. you're not my cat
— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) October 26, 2020
And on today’s episode of living during a pandemic I just struggled for five minutes opening a produce bag at a grocery store without licking my fingers.
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) October 27, 2020
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
— Slutty President Warren G Harding (@PopeAwesomeXIII) October 26, 2020
The fun thing about actually reading the bible is there are passages that literally say “Christians welcome immigrants into their homes” & “don’t hoard wealth” and absolutely nothing says anything about “kick your teenage son out of the house for being gay”
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 25, 2020
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
— tatum (@50FirstTates) October 27, 2020
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) October 24, 2020
Anyone else loving masks and social distancing a little more than they should?
— The Dead Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) October 23, 2020
Neighbor: *high fives me* man you had a wild night she was screaming the whole time
Me: *flashback to last night screaming into my pillow and eating ice cream* haha yeah I am good at the sex
— poltergregst (@WeedlordKrillin) October 26, 2020