Why didn’t you listen and stayed in bed? We’ve tried to warn you yesterday! And now it’s Monday already! We can’t save you from that or prevent you from going nuts like a 74-year-old-man on steroids tweeting every goddam minute. Just take a deep breath, relax and read our top tweets for today.
My dad's newest girlfriend introduced herself as "Cinnamon, with an S" and I've been calling her Cinnamons all afternoon and she absolutely will not correct me.
— The Mayor of Dadlandia (@LoganLowbrow) October 4, 2020
7 years ago I worked at a small company of about 15 people. I sent an email to all my co-workers one Friday, inviting them on a weekend hike. Only one person came, a guy from the web dev team that I'd hardley spoken to.
Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. We're going hiking.
— Samantha Butler-Hassan (@samanthabhassan) October 4, 2020
This “no cash” thing is starting to really worry me. Got a man his coffee today because the shop wasn’t accepting his change, then spoke to him only to realise he was homeless. What’s actually going to happen when we become a cashless society, the homeless can’t use their change?
— Caitlin Degnan (@Caitzooo) October 3, 2020
I keep clicking "accept cookies" and I have not gotten a SINGLE cookie
— Jess Zimmerman (@j_zimms) October 4, 2020
When the euro bank notes were designed, they used European-style bridges which were *non-existing*, not to have to choose between countries.
The Dutch town of Spijkenisse claimed them all for the Netherlands by building them on a waterway. pic.twitter.com/rnanSlIgEg
— Lionel Page (@page_eco) September 25, 2020
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
— arpil (@autogynefiles) October 1, 2020
Donald Trump is receiving cutting edge medical treatment, that will bill out in the thousands, despite only paying $750 in income taxes, while he's literally suing in the courts to take our healthcare protections away.
— Amee Vanderpool (@girlsreallyrule) October 3, 2020
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 4, 2020
Computers are easy to explain- they are just like the body. Let's start with the processor, that's like the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also like the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. The motherboard, you guessed it- the taint
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) October 4, 2020
8-year-old: It's raining. That means no church.
Me: The church has a roof.
8: They thought of everything.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2020