You know the drill, we’re counting through to make sure nobody is missing after evil Monday. NO FOLLOWER WILL BE LEFT BEHIND! Great, so where were we? Right, the world is still a shithole, in the US of A both fractions have started killing each other in the streets and the first IT-Girls are demanding Pumpkin Spice Latte. What a time to be alive. That being said, here’s what will bring you through the day: Our best of. Please enjoy while you can.
Our neighbour always gets my wife's name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names "are challenging to remember" and "am I saying it right?". His name is Ken
— Pessimus Prime (@BigJDubz) August 31, 2020
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends pic.twitter.com/8IVArlCxyR
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2020
Jeff Bezos can't sleep until he puts his pajamazon
— He Called Me Greenhorn (@WhatsAGreenhorn) September 1, 2020
Godzilla being granted Japanese citizenship pic.twitter.com/HVmLuTAV6y
— HedorahTOP (@Htop_Gunder) August 31, 2020
people don’t realize that if you bury dinosaur chicken nuggets in the ground and water them daily you can make your own jurassic park in about 4-8 weeks
— linc (@lincnotfound) August 31, 2020
[9 PM, night before 1st day back to school]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes tomorrow.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 31, 2020
My five year plan is to make it to January.
— Pinky (@mack44_d) August 31, 2020
straight men will make fun of other guys for getting pedicures and literally have hobbit feet. like go back to the shire, oakley
— Rob Actually 🏳️🌈 (@RobbyActually) August 31, 2020
[guy who's about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
— j and k comics (@jandkcomics) August 31, 2020
Him: do you think you’d rather be funny or pretty?
Me: *under my breath* I think it’s more comfortable for men to think women can only be one or the other
Him: what was that?
Me: I said “funny”
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 31, 2020