As the weekend comes to an end and we go on to our shi.., I mean amazing jobs. Best of Twitter would like to end today with a bang. We would like to get your Monday started on a good note. We want you to wake up and be thankful for us. So, without further ado here is your Best of Twitter from Today!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 13, 2020
Twitter addicted alcoholic, in love with people I’ve never met, completely fucked up and don’t sleep. Am I doing this right?
— G (@GaynorTheTwit) September 12, 2020
I feel like adults should have been more honest about what it means to be an adult
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 13, 2020
To the people who can eat whatever they want without consequences:
How dare you
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) September 13, 2020
“my bad” “you’re good” is my favorite english language exchange
— boy (@audiohymn) September 11, 2020
As a plus-size woman, most men have sex with me in secret and I've decided it's time I demand better for myself…from now on, I am ONLY having sex in the middle of Home Depot.
— Rachel Elizabeth (@feminist_th0t) September 12, 2020
there's no way my cat knows his actual name. i've given him like 10 new nicknames today alone. i just called him my sweet bowl of cheese and he was like ya i am
— james (@videojames_) September 12, 2020
dudes be like “at least i’m not selling my body” but r in the military
— stoner barnie (@theonlymattybee) September 12, 2020
My husband likes to "help out" on weekends by doing something he likes with the happiest kid who needs the least attention.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 12, 2020
I bet his name is Spot pic.twitter.com/hOmgiCaDcm
— Living Morganism 🌱 (@ok_girlfriend) September 12, 2020