Friday everyone, finally Friday! This means it’s time to…isolate yourself like a caveman* because people are pretty irresponsible, there’s still a pandemic out there and no one has seen those murder hornets. Which means chances are great that they’re just hiding under YOUR house, so having a few beers with your good mate Netflix looks like an awesome plan. And while you’re at it, here’s our Daily. Enjoy!
*or cavewoman, this is an inclusive cave
Cartel Leader: What's he still doing here. Didn't his family pay?
Gang member: Yeah, but he won't leave.
Me: Can you guys keep it down. I'm trying to sleep
— 🧙♂️Nostradumbass🧙♂️ (@The_Albinoshrek) September 17, 2020
If a woman looks back after you both say goodbye that means she likes you.
Unless she's an owl.
Then it just means she's an owl.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 18, 2020
me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave
him: what happened
me: it’s still broccoli
— jo (@WhaJoTalkinBout) September 16, 2020
how do we even know zombies only eat brains its not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a slice of pizza or something
— linc (@lincnotfound) September 17, 2020
My doctor asked if I was on birth control and didn’t even laugh when I said yes, marriage
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 18, 2020
This year I was going to get my life together, but given the fact we have a deadly pandemic, political corruption, national recession, murder hornets, hurricanes, deadly wildfires, and rampant civil unrest, I’m just going to sit on the couch with lasagna and wait this one out.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 18, 2020
Lou Bega: A little bit of Monica in my life
Me: oh nice
Lou Bega: A little bit of EriCa bY MY SidE
Me: *horrified* Lou-
Lou Bega: A LiTtLe BiT oF RiTA’s AlL I NEed
Me: WHERES THE REST OF RITA LOU?!
— Roy🌾 (@Roy_oh_Roy) September 17, 2020
imagine drowning at the pool and you really expect that 15 yr old lifeguard to save you? good luck nemo
— ꧁𝕸𝖆𝖉𝖎𝖒𝖔𝖎𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖊꧂ (@drivingmemadi) September 17, 2020
air steward: does anybody know how to fly-
bee: *raises little wing*
air steward: -a plane
bee: *lowers little wing*
— john (@mrjohndarby) September 17, 2020
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) September 17, 2020