This question here is to all the men out there. Who has tried using that as an excuse? I mean it’s wrong to think about other women while you’re in bed with your partner, but I think it happens every once in a while. It is Friday, and the lads should be going out to get lucky. So if you do get caught thinking about someone else, you know what to do. Power to all the women out there! Enjoy.
You don’t know real horror unless you’ve texted someone and then they call.
— OMG, Becky! (@thehubrispanda) September 3, 2020
6-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No. Then you won't eat your dinner.
6: I won't eat my dinner anyway.
Her honesty is not appreciated.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2020
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm's turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 4, 2020
[in a world where Disney world doesn’t exist]
Reporter: you’ve just won the super bowl what are you gonna go do
Tom Brady: I… I don’t know
Tom: [wanders off lost and confused] what does tom do after big game
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) September 4, 2020
me: you look amazing
wife: he was talking to me
me: *staring at cheesecake*
— Red's Surreal Vehicle (@surrealvehicle) September 3, 2020
murderer: *swings bat at me and misses*
me: strike 1
murderer: thats not how this works *swings bat*
me: strike 2. one more and ur out
murderer: [under breath] fuck
— cory (@harvardgraduat) September 4, 2020
Everyone’s waiting for 2021 as if COVID expires December 31st 💀
— ً (@RJ_XXIV) September 2, 2020
her: are you.. are you thinking about other women again?
me: *tearing up* you're all just so brave and strong
— john (@mrjohndarby) September 4, 2020
men cum in 60 seconds and say they wanna make a sex tape.. you mean a tik tok bro?
— edm twinkie🕷🌙 (@superdupersimp) September 3, 2020
Cat *from 10 feet away*: ᴍᴇᴏᴡ
Me: What’s up?
Me: Do you want to be pet? Come here
Me: Do you need food?
Me: Ok fine I’ll come to you *starts to get up*
Cat: *runs away like it’s seen a ghost*
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) September 4, 2020