Hello everyone, just a quick heads up: The world is still on the verge of going down the drain, the orange Mussolini is still in charge and we still have the best Tweets for you. So please remain calm, keep your emergency positions and read slowly. And have fun!
So if your woman is in a bad mood ask her if she thinks she might feel better if she dropped a few pounds
— Bart (@bartandsoul) September 9, 2020
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
— extremwly smart genius (@punished_picnic) September 9, 2020
Me: when is your birthday?
Her: May 1st
Me: *confused as hell* may I know when is your birthday?
— 🇬🇧 Dr. Nerd 🇨🇦 (@hermanntrude) September 9, 2020
i have never needed anything in my life more than this pic.twitter.com/wH4UvqdPF4
— linc (@lincnotfound) September 9, 2020
I'm not saying I was drunk, I'm just saying that I don't recommend washing paper plates in the dishwasher.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 7, 2020
I believe that we all have soulmates but that soulmates are not always romantic partners. Sometimes, your soulmate is a romantic partner. Sometimes, your soulmate is a friend. Sometimes, your soulmate is a seagull that shoplifted a loaf of bread from a store.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) January 28, 2020
CPR instructor: ok get down next to the dummy
Everyone: *kneels beside me*
— steeve again (@steeve_again) September 8, 2020
Not only can couch pillows really tie a room together, but they are wonderfully handy when you need to smother an unexpected house guest.
— Mandi Sommer (@SommerofMandi) September 7, 2020
go ahead bro im all ears pic.twitter.com/s9A4JQpFei
— beep boop bop (@zoopti) September 8, 2020
someone said we eat spiders in our sleep just to fuck with us and we didn’t even question it
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 8, 2020