Did you know that until 2006 the Space Shuttle never flew on New Years day or eve because their computers couldn’t handle a year rollover? No? Well, we hope you can handle the turn of the year a little bit better and have a happy New Year!
Me, 2019: I can’t believe this brunch only has one kind of mango
My grandpa, 1927: *eating a potato like an apple for breakfast*
— Ol' Meatbag Roberts (@c12h22o11balls) November 22, 2019
Girl: come over
Me: I can’t I’m at my coworkers holiday party
Girl: Just make a good excuse
Coworker: hey john we’re gonna play monopoly
Me: [putting phone on shoulder] sorry brad I have to go feed Obama oatmeal
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) December 30, 2019
In 2020, I'm settling all personal disputes via dodgeball battles.
No exceptions, grandma.
— KnowComment (@KnownComment) December 30, 2019
I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 2 days.
Come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) December 30, 2019
y’all are really spending new year’s eve at a club just so u can pay $12 for a drink and get confetti dumped on u at midnight while party rock anthem plays
— James (@CaucasianJames) December 30, 2019
my 2019 review:
-lost a friend [they started a podcast]
-reinvented myself [bought new clothes]
-saw a ghost [or a very pale child idk]
-got mad at birds [they know what they did]
— meh (@bonehugsnirony) December 12, 2019
there are. A lot of things I said I would do before the end of this year & now I only have today left to do everything… going to spend the day sleeping instead
— stuart fiddle (@stuartfiddle) December 31, 2019
Reminders for 2020:
-pee after sex
-reverse racism isn’t real
-$18 salads aren’t worth it
-expensive toilet paper IS worth it
-loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship
-you have a really nice butt
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 29, 2019
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) January 1, 2014
January: NEW YEAR, NEW ME 🏃🏽🏋🏽♀️🍎🥑🥕🥒
— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) January 1, 2017