Of course, you must do christmas shopping. Of course you must decorate the house. Of course you must plan new years eve, of course you have much to do. But take a little time of relaxation and enjoy our weekly top ten Tweets.
2yo: Jam on toast!
Me: We don’t have any jam, only honey
2: Jam on toast!
Me: We only have honey, I’m afraid
2: Jam on toast!
Me: We don’t have any jam
10yo: Yes we do, we have “bee jam”!
Me: 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 [I swear our 10 year old is a better parent than me sometimes]
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 9, 2019
Anyone else ever load the washer, pour in the detergent and come back 40 minutes later to discover they never actually turned it on?
Just me, cool cool.
— Momtribevibe 🎄🌲🎄 (@momtribevibe) December 12, 2019
My kid was having a tantrum and walked right into my fart, and then fell backwards into a bush. This is the second best day of my life.
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) December 9, 2019
me peeking to see if my boyfriend has noticed me pouting yet pic.twitter.com/5jc6PTZzbQ
— lucy,, (@curledbitch) December 10, 2019
me: i worked retail for five years
interviewer: did u learn anything
me: people are awful and deserve nothing
interviewer: how will that help us at spirit airlines
me: haha are u joking
interviewer: lmao yeah no ur hired
— randy (@leakypod) December 12, 2019
i thought i liked seeing movies but turns out i like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) December 11, 2019
I got my nose hair waxed for the first time …. spoiler alert I started crying ….. you women crazy af pic.twitter.com/UrsPgeeuwu
— me (@ksea43) December 6, 2019
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) December 8, 2019
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
— Ol' Milkbag Roberts (@c12h22o11balls) December 11, 2019
It’s sad we need these signs. pic.twitter.com/qI68TNy0F1
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) December 12, 2019