December is here, Christmas is near! This week is scheduled, why english is the easiest language, which similarities exist between earth and hell and how to avoid having to pay your rent. Have fun!
I saw this girl in the train station doing the pspspsps sound to a subway rat and I have never felt closer to another stranger in my life
— coyote (@literate_coyote) December 4, 2019
everyone: make better products
phone companies: ok
computer companies: ok
printer companies: heres an idea how about you go fuck yourself
— randy (@leakypod) December 5, 2019
When it’s cold you can see the song💞 pic.twitter.com/iI3rDIdjNL
— Physics & Astronomy Zone🔭 (@ZonePhysics) December 5, 2019
bro after america has free healthcare in like 30 years people are gonna look back at the entire plot of Breaking Bad and be like what the fuck
— blondie wasabi (@bIondiewasabi) December 4, 2019
You: I’m taking a trip to Scandinavia.
Me: OMG. Nor. Way. LOL.
You: And now I’m not bringing you anything.
Me: So we’re Finnished here? LOL.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) December 5, 2019
WHO MADE THIS pic.twitter.com/qePkuoBtwh
— Dr. Jens Foell (@fMRI_guy) December 5, 2019
There’s a place in hell with Trump’s name on it.
There are also dozens of hellish places on Earth with Trump’s name on it.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 4, 2019
Boss *on my first day at work* any questions?
Me: Do you have a rule on no penguins in the office?
Boss: Why would we have a rule like that???
*excited waddling noises in corridor*
Me: No reason
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 2, 2019
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: imported oranges are actually green we dye or freeze them cause nobody wants to buy a green orange.
Wife: I was talking to our daughter.
Daughter: dogs are colorblind.
Me: well ok they would totally buy a green orange.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 3, 2019
Cop: I’m gonna let you off with a warning
Me: *remembering rent is due tomorrow* can I hold your gun
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 4, 2019