11 years ago, I was texting a dude I’d hooked up with a few times as I got ready for thanksgiving back in my hometown. “I forget, what’s your town called again?” He asked. I told him. One EIGHT HOUR DRIVE later he appeared at my doorstep.
WHAT A DUMBASS.
Anyway we’re married.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) November 27, 2019
How the UK are predicted to vote is the image of Homer in his muumuu and I can’t unsee it pic.twitter.com/OnCYTQ3hjy
— Ste (@notstelfc) November 27, 2019
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) November 28, 2019
my favorite part about going home for the holidays is waiting until everyone is asleep then putting a single unwashed dish in the sink and scampering off into the night cackling like a witch
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) November 28, 2019
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
— Mela (@mela_shea) November 21, 2019
**Tesla’s new truck arrives in Florida**
30 seconds later: pic.twitter.com/aszwPEUVcY
— Naples Problems (@NaplesProblems) November 28, 2019
Sorry I replied the very second you texted. I have no life and shame
— chudail (@scarletbitch007) November 15, 2019
I once watched a man eat peanut butter by dipping his entire hand in the jar and paw it out like he’s fucking Winnie the Pooh and honestly he was still one of my better boyfriends so what does that say about me?
— Kie (@KielyHealey) November 26, 2019
do u think the grinch’s dick is hairy too like the rest of his body or just smooth and green
— SadeVEVO (@fillegrossiere) November 27, 2019
Did everyone’s parents do this?😭 pic.twitter.com/CZu3qraCL8
— (^з^)-☆|Zenitsu⚡️ (@summerdru) November 27, 2019