Let’s face it, plenty of us drank more during the quarantine than even the local soccer crowd would recommend. I’m talking about you, «is this grape juice or red wine, ah who cares it’s 9 am» Karen. On the bright side, now we’re forced to be functional humans again. Did I really just wrote bright side? Whatever. Cheers!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Could you operate the emergency exit door if needed?
ME (once tried to unscrew a pry off beer cap for 20 min.): Sure.
— Ray Classic (@SirEviscerate) December 12, 2016
its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911
— wint (@dril) November 1, 2013
Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?
Me: A sense of meaning and purpose in my life.
Wife: *adds beer to the grocery list*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2016
when u get too drunk at the club and everyone is like ummm lets get u home pic.twitter.com/bQLMVMLqTv
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) June 14, 2015
Guests: I brought you some non-alcoholic wine
Me: oh excellent *pours it down the sink without breaking eye contact*
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) November 27, 2014
Me: I'm definitely over him
— moody monday (@mdob11) April 19, 2015
[ordering wine while on date]
do you like merlot, tammy?
"yeah but you don't pronounce the T"
ok *looks at waiter* 2 merlot for me and ammy
— brent (@murrman5) January 22, 2015
Ahhh yes of course, I adore wine. I especially love [looks down at bottle of Pinot Grigio] peanut Gregorio
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) January 19, 2015
A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) August 29, 2015
hate when people say don't give bread to ducks cuz its bad for them. Beer is bad for me but I'd love people to randomly throw it at my house
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 28, 2016