Is there anything on earth that gives you a more homely feeling than the smell of freshly prepared food? Probably not, unless you include people yelling at each other. But until Gwyneth Paltrow comes up with candles that smell like roast chicken instead of, well, body parts, we will have to use a traditional skill to create this familiar scent: cooking. So if you’re feeling a little hungry now we not only offer you the best recipes but also the funniest Tweets straight from the kitchen. Please enjoy.
I truly pray my husband likes cooking. Because the idea that people will be looking to me wondering what the family will eat each night? Whew
— Alice 💘 (@AliceOla_) February 13, 2021
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
«Can you start cooking those sausages?» Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.
He cooked 2 sausages.
— Claire (@AzureDoo) March 14, 2020
this is the male equivalent of those women cooking in lingerie but the stove isn’t on https://t.co/BYehY9MIZE
— simp stan account (@AGeminiStallion) January 3, 2021
Y’all are so dumb cooking ur food at 350° for 40 min when u could just do the math and cook it at 14,000° for one minute.
— ador444z (@venusianbabie) May 16, 2020
«i’ve actually been cooking a lot during quarantine :)» me too they made restaurants illegal
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) May 20, 2020
My bf was slow cooking ribs and I guess they were done in the middle of the night. So this man wakes me up at 3 AM and goes “here babe, I brought you a rib.” So we sat in bed and ate ribs. I’ve found my soulmate.
— Kacie (@KacieRaulerson) February 16, 2019
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) June 24, 2020
Y’all call basic life skills wife material. I told this guy I was cooking and he said oh you a wife. Nigga I’m just fucking hungry.
— ma’am, misses (@lonthecelebrity) September 7, 2018
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
— Oh Skoog (@Skoog) September 1, 2020
absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake when im cooking. no idea what the fuck im doing but it sure makes me feel fancy
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) September 15, 2020
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
— ashley (@loneIymood) October 18, 2019
cooking by urself is so peaceful………. therapeutic…….. cooking w/ ur family in the kitchen is hell on earth i now understand why chefs are always angry
— sayna .*ೃ (@OCEANGlRL) June 20, 2020
Told my 3y.o. we needed to pick up dinner for her dad and she said «Daddy’s a grown man he can cook his own food.»
My work here is done.
— la pachuca ☭ (@kategoesboom) June 28, 2017
tips for beginner cooks: know your ratios!
1/2 cup uncooked rice = 2 cups cooked rice
1 cups uncooked rice = 5 cups cooked rice
2 cups uncooked rice = 14 cups cooked rice
3 cups uncooked rice = 68 cups cooked rice
4 cups uncooked rice = 1,036 cups cooked rice
— Lauren (not a hologram) (@ActNormalOrElse) January 20, 2019