During these trying times, probably known as the «preapocalyptic period» in future history books, there’s one institution we can depend on: Marriage. Please be aware that «to depend on» is a pretty neutral term and enjoy!
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
Marriage, because you need to know you were folding a bag of chips wrong your entire life.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2016
i'll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) November 19, 2015
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 2, 2016
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) May 26, 2012
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015